SLAM! Columnist Mike Ulmer: Canada sucks -- Our path to Olympic success begins with bribery

"...We can spend millions of dollars developing athletes who may or may not excel at future editions of the Games. We can start at the grassroots, raise funds like Brownies and turn this thing around in about 10 years. And that's if we start today.

It is time to use our national resources more wisely in pursuit of Olympic excellence. We need the national will to make a few nominal sacrifices that will deliver to us an event we can win."

My favourite example sacrifice: "Give the Japanese delegates Lake Louise -- they love the place. Throw in Green Gables if you have to, just get them on side."

My favourite new event that Canadian bribery gets us: "Saskatchewan Endurance Marathon: First person to see a tree wins. In the team event, contestants must find a tree and a hill."