I'm still here, busy busy busy

Three posts for all of November! I haven't abandoned my weblog, but it sure seems like I have. Where I put my attention has changed so much in the last few months, I'm not sure what's going to be left that I think is worth putting here.

I'm still in school, taking 3 courses (linear algebra, statistics, and algorithms & data structures) and a directed study this term. School is good. Busy, and more challenging than ever, but good. I know I'm doing the right thing, being here, learning, growing.

It's been a difficult term in many ways. I've seen good people struggle, doubt themselves, and fall victim to many of the same problems that led to me leaving school in 1994. It's very depressing to witness from my perspective, with the hindsight of having lived through it already.

I consider myself extremely fortunate to have found my way back to do the right thing, to finish what I started, and not let the mistakes and weaknesses of my youth, amplified by a lack of maturity, frame my life. And again I have to thank my family for giving me the green light, because so many people are sacrificing to make this possible. I should list some of those people now:

My mom and dad have been watching the kids after school two days a week to give me more opportunity to study (at home or at school) and work.

My kids have not had the attention paid to them that they would have had I not gone back to school. I'm not sure they even realize it, because I used to work such crazy hours before I started school... I just hope they aren't missing opportunities because of my absence.

My mother-in-law watches the kids on days I can't make it home from school early enough to be with them when Cheryl leaves for work.

And Cheryl, where do I begin? She's now the main bread-winner, she's working more hours than before, and she still does so much. People who know me know Cheryl does most of the chores at home. I could go on and on.

I should also mention that I have been mostly unavailable to my clients all term, at a time my services could be used. This has sucked for us because I haven't been earning much, and sucked for my clients becasue they need the work done and they've had to find others to get it done on time.

To top it off I still have my own struggles, the same ones that have been with me for a long time that amplify the challenges I face. I never talk about them, because it's embarassing, but I'm going to do it anyway. Sigh.

I procrastinate. I am a big-time procrastinator. Maybe I need to re-read the Procrastinator's Handbook, it helped a bit last time I read it. The best motivator is a deadline perilously in front of me. I study best with a study partner, and this term my study partner stopped going to school last month. That sucked in so many ways.

I am obsessive compulsive, and a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. When I get into something, I get into it big time. This is why I will not drink, smoke or experiment with drugs. Don't ever let me. It's why I never played Quake (yeah sure, snicker) or Everquest and won't try World of Warcraft. I wish I had never played Halo 2. I'm still overweight, moreso than when I went on the big successful diet in 2000, because I still eat too much and I procrastinate about dieting (I mean, eating properly) or exercising (and I'm so busy with other things that just justifies the procrastination, right?).

I'm procrastinating right now. I should be working on the final report for my directed studies, the draft is due tomorrow. I have made progress today, I'll give myself credit for that, but I'm far from being done. Being an obsessive compulsive procrastinating perfectionist sucks when there are so many distractions and so many deadlines.

Written on December 2, 2005