Big Tobacco Settles

This just in... the tobacco industry has settled their lawsuits brought upon them by people who are suffering as a result of cigarette usage.

The settlement will require cigarette companies to give away one billion dollars in cigarettes to the poorest schools... but only for 5 years, at which time students will have to buy their own cigarettes to continue their habits.

In other related news, Microsoft is settling a suit with consumers claiming Microsoft used unfair trade practices. The settlement requires them to extend their illegal monopoly by providing one billion dollars in their own software (which costs them nothing, so that's a lot of software), PC hardware and services to the poorest schools. But only for 5 years, at which time these poor schools will have to fork over millions of dollars to renew their licenses.

Truth is stranger than fiction, isn't it?

Written on November 20, 2001